neyronrose (neyronrose) wrote,
neyronrose
neyronrose

Saturday and venting

Well, ups and downs so far.

Mom: "I have no Christmas spirit at all."

Me: "We noticed.  I'm trying to have some, but it's hard when you hate the holidays so much."

Mom: "I don't hate all the holidays.  I like Easter."

Me: "You act like you hate them all.  It's really hard for me to stay in a good mood when you act so mean and bitter all the time."  Really, I've had more than enough.  She went back to telling me I was bad and screaming at me within a few minutes, so she was obviously unaffected by what I said.  Most likely she immediately rejected the statement as not being true, at least in her mind.

Mom was furious that I broke my ankle, and extremely bitter about having to do anything like nursing work.  The visiting nursing aides took over with that pretty quickly, and I did as much as I physically could.  She's been angry with me for various reasons for a long time, but it feels like it's been that much worse and hasn't let up since July.  The three months I was in pain and couldn't drive to get a break from it were the worst, but she's just as angry now.  It drags me down terribly.

"Dad is trying to have Christmas spirit," I said.  "Trying hard.  He put up lights and everything."

We ran an errand, then went to the grocery store.  Mom suggested we get a wreath for the front door.  I was surprised, but quick to pick one out.  Even if she's forcing herself to occasionally try to say something a tiny bit less evil -- sometimes she just screams wordlessly in rage -- Dad and I know to do what we can in those few seconds.  Dad was quick to hang the wreath up when we got home, too.

Watching the subtitled clips of AWZ cheered me up.  A good part of the dialogue was funny, and the EKP ladies saved random scenes I was afraid I wouldn't see again.  It was good to know what Roman and Deniz were saying in those scenes.

 It got dark well before five, and it's getting colder again.  I'm trying to think how good it is that all my bills are paid for the month, including the car insurance.  I enjoyed the jasmine flower, and can still enjoy lighting candles.  I'd burn incense if I didn't think it would set the smoke alarm off.  January and February are usually not good months for me.  We'll see how it goes in 2011.  Maybe things will improve.

Added: It was Dad's birthday.  I gave Dad a card.  Mom and Dad didn't come downstairs for dinner until 8:00 p.m.  I had already made myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  Mom heated up some soup, and Dad made himself grilled cheese.  The people where Dad works had given him a cake, no frosting, so we had that.  Mom said we'd have a fancy dinner for Dad on Sunday.  We had fish filets.
Tags: family, venting
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