neyronrose (neyronrose) wrote,

more identity rambling

Yes, I am distracting myself from being homebound, stir-crazy and stressed out by doing journaling.  At least I am using a non-destructive way to distract myself.

Part of my identity has gotten more complicated than "fag hag" completely covers.  I'm joining with a lot of women and some men in my liking for gay romance.  It really wasn't a problem for me to find fictional characters in a book appealing.  I'm very used to my romance heroes, and what types and plots do it for me.  Some of the gay characters are just characters I identify with, like Vic (in so many ways) and like Nathan Doyle of "Snowball in Hell" (in so many ways).

A lot of m/m romance characters are homogenized white-bread.  Some are butch.  Some you wouldn't be able to tell from a heterosexual guy at all.  Some are heterosexual to start with.  (I've expressed my disapproval of "Gay for You" plots many times.)  How people react to being a stigmatized minority marks you on at least some levels.  There are those guys who are androgynous, quite aware that they're different from the typical straight guy, and look good in eyeliner.  I know I don't have a chance unless they're bisexual, but those freaky, Gothy, androgynous guys really do it for me.

I also had no problem finding Igor of AWZ and Thore of Verbotene Liebe sexy.  I've noted that I don't usually go for butch guys, but Thore is a really handsome and hot exception.  I thought Jo was handsome, and really sweet to draw me into a conversation with him that Sunday in March.  I had the impression he was straight, and that his long-term relationship was with a woman.  I thought it was cool that he refused to say one way or the other.  Since I mentioned that was my impression, I've had a few people tell me that, no, we really don't know, period.  That messed a little bit with my image of him as being as clean-cut as the character he plays.  Seeing pictures of him in eyeliner messed with it that much more.  The merest suggestion that he's a little more freaky than I thought made me find him considerably more hot.

Dennis G. is another story, and a far more reassuring story for me.  Roman can be very sexual indeed, but he's so far from straight-acting that it's always crystal clear he wouldn't be interested in women.  It trips some kind of  "I wouldn't be his type" switch in my brain, and he becomes the character I identify so much with, and would be perfectly friendly with.  Like with G.L. in college, whose "shopping hag" I was, there's very definitely this alliance in finding men attractive.  G. supported me (and the lesbians) for having romantic and physical attractions towards women, even if it wasn't his thing.  G.and I supported each other in both being into men, just like J.H. and I did.

I guess it's hard for me to understand people saying that I would be fetishizing or exploiting gay men.  In real life, from when I was nineteen on, gay men and I discuss who we find sexy, and share images back and forth.  If we're appropriating from anything, it's from Western culture generally.  In real life, I'm treated as an equal.  Really, what more can you ask for than for people to treat each other as equals?

Tags: glbt, rambling

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