neyronrose (neyronrose) wrote,

shades of gray

Teddypig posted a contrasting couple of points of view on The Naughty Bits (  One was from an actor who said he'd experimented with same-sex sex as a boy, and messed around in his twenties.  Apparently, from reading a transcript of what's supposed to be the original article, he did a lot of drugs and drank a lot in his twenties, as well.  That makes you even more likely to mess around.  He said he wasn't into men, and I see no reason to doubt it.  I think lots of straight guys have same-sex sexual experiences when they're teenagers, and even into their twenties -- later than that if they just want to hook up with someone without needing to date first.  I don't think any of that makes someone gay.  Gay is a personal identification, with some political in there, too, for many men.  I don't think being married to a woman makes a closeted gay man straight.  It's just highly likely to make him, the woman, and their children all unhappy.  I do think that men tend to be much more one way or the other than women do.

Another was a letter to Savage Love from a lesbian who'd ended up having really good sex with a male friend.  It didn't seem like she was able to really form a romantic emotional attachment to him, for various reasons.  She didn't find men all that sexy compared to women, and had had some very bad experiences with men.  Contrary to strong belief in certain circles, I think a lesbian can have sex with a man and still be a lesbian.  There's so much of the political for lesbians, that you're either totally into womyn-love, or supporting the evil of the patriarchy.  You just can't do both.  There's no middle ground for shades of gray and those of us who are bisexual to one degree or another.

I think sexual orientation has a good deal to do with who a person can form a romantic emotional connection to.  I'll start with the letter-writer's description about how she felt about the man.  There didn't seem to be romantic feeling on her part towards him, though she was questioning.  On the other side, some gay guys seem unable to make a real emotional connection to women generally, while many make deep friendship connections, with no flicker of lust. There's no romantic love feeling either way.  There's quite the variety besides those two examples.  It just depends on the man.  Perhaps it's just that I see the university students who belong to the GLBT group, but I seemed to run into those who were not even interested in women for their minds and those who had very close women friends.  Those kids are all out to some extent, at least to themselves and other gay people.  There wasn't any need for them to put up a heterosexual facade of interest within the group.

Of course, men don't need romance to have sex, but many do settle down.  It seems that often enough, they'll have sex, then start to feel an emotional connection with certain sex partners.  Sometimes it becomes friendship along with the sex, sometimes it becomes a serious relationship.  Sometimes it's just a hookup.

It seems much more so with women that they'll form a romantic emotional connection with another woman, often enough long before they have sex.  It's all about the meaningful conversations.  It's frequently about how enmeshed they can possibly get, but that's another story.  Some women just want to hook up, but many need a deep emotional relationship for it to seem like a serious partnership.
Tags: glbt, rambling

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